We feel things happen for a reason. We believe in payback-not Karma–but payback. And now, now we can stop taking responsibility for all the bad that happened to us and those we love by acknowledging–shit happens.
In the critique group of fellow writers we were in, one member noted we said “we” when we wrote. We have alluded to and sometimes outright disclosed we have DID. It was brought on by a stinking past that we as children could not deal with, nor a life we could not go on with, without other people inside taking it when one of our inside people could not cope or deal anymore. It became our “go-to” to survive. We wrote a book about it. We tried to explain. It was professionally edited to the point that our voices were lost but it helped some in spite of it. Now, we write again, not to explain or put the readers off, but to show you that in this time, it has allowed us to help another–so we deal with our DID and know it happened for a reason. It has been a loooong time coming, this reconciliation with our life/lives, but come it did. Honest truth, we finally understand the why.
Every therapist who cared told us our past, our DID was not our fault. Then a few very special acquaintances who were not professional therapists said likewise. Last week, such a short time ago, it was suddenly brought home to us that we could realize others had not brought harm and abuse to themselves but couldn’t allow that for ourselves. The current political climate, the current state of everything affecting everyone was not our fault, your fault–no blame–shit happens! Honest truth! It happens! Be you good, bad, indifferent–if it is going to happen, it will. We had to realize we can’t right the wrongs, make things better for all those our hearts break for, and it is not our fault we cannot. We didn’t make the bad things happen, nor did you or those suffering now for what is going on. What a literal WEIGHT was lifted! This was brought home to us by a dear friend and mentor. Words we had heard before, but this time–this time they made it into not only our head, but our inner essence. The time was right, the hearts were open, the minds were open, and it finally came through! The weight of being responsible for all was lifted. Our empathy didn’t disappear by any means–we just knew we didn’t make it worse or bad for those we loved. We had not harmed them. We simply understood, felt for them and with them (literally), and knew that all of us–you, us, everyone–makes choices and lives with the consequences of those choices. But above all, to know we all have good in our hearts makes the difference.
Because we can recognize the good in others, we are beginning to accept the good in ourselves. And today, we shared that with one who is in turmoil and totally upended. It is a person everyone would see as efficient, task-oriented, a good person. We had just previously talked with a person much like this, who is facing an illness unknown with her beloved furry companion. Then we communicated with one who has already suffered a devastating loss and asked us if we understood. She was always capable, as we said before, but we had always seen her vulnerable side and now we saw her pain and felt it. She was beginning to feel like she was at loose ends, it was her fault for the loss she suffered, and was desperate emotionally. We texted back and forth and finally, we texted that the only advice we could give her was follow your heart. She said she didn’t know if her heart could be trusted right now. Light bulb! Why we had been led to be open just a week ago! Timing! Awareness!
We told her we had known she had a good heart when we had known each other and been together frequently, and we knew NOW she still had a good heart and should simply follow it. She responded she tried to be good. We texted back that no, this was more. This was innate, her core of good! We told her no matter how much anger, disappointment, insecurity she felt did not change the good heart she carried within her. She seemed unsure, but said maybe… So we added, your good heart is something NO ONE CAN TAKE FROM YOU! It is your anchor! As we typed the words to her, they sank into our acceptance of ourselves–again. No, no one could snatch her good heart, it was hers. Ours likewise. Our empathy. Our love. Our good heart was ours–never to be taken, stolen, corrupted–no matter what. In calming her and loving her, we calmed and loved ourselves. Now that is something entirely novel to us!
She thanked us. Said it gave her chills. We totally understood! Our guide and mentor had elicited that same response from us. To be free to send love, to believe you are good and not worthless, dirty, tainted forever–yes, chills.
The title of this blog? As we sit here writing about this, with tears of happiness for what happened last week for us, for a friend today, we titled this as we did because of our very special, strong, resilient little person inside. When she would learn something, totally love something or someone, hope when all of us had given up hoping, she would say–“But look–we made it again!” And then, to set her words in stone, to emphasize to us we hadn’t lost it all, she would add “Honest truth!” We believed her then, we believe her now. The world is bad, ugly. But the good is still out there. You spread it. We spread it. Our friends and loved ones spread it. Good is something no one can take from us–honest truth. Believe it!